Today I had a completely different post planned but then certain events changed that and I decided to address something else. As I spoke a few days ago about negativity I touched upon the fact that I write my blog for myself. I write about things I want to be able to look back on and remember/relive. Of course I sometimes write about runs gone bad or races I felt less than stellar about. Like this weekend’s race for instance. It was rough. I let myself down mentally and walked when I probably could have kept going. But I move forward. And does that mean I feel the need to share every bad run or race on here? No…that would be a lot of wasted posts in my eyes. When things don’t go as planned…you learn from them the best you can and then push on.
But today I found out some people that I consider friends have been doubting me. A lot. And behind my back. I’m not saying it was malicious or anything like that but once it was brought to my attention (and I truly appreciate the person and way it was brought to me by the way) I was sad. Ever since middle school…I have NEVER understood why people waste time or energy focusing on negative things without addressing the person or event involved. When that occurs…I call it gossip. And gossip is hurtful no matter what the intent. And although I did understand where the doubt was coming from, what didn’t make sense to me is a) am I really interesting enough to be the object of such doubts/concerns? b) is it really such a serious thing that people feel the need to talk about it without my knowledge (to be the topic is something very silly and why it would concern others is beyond me) c) why not just ask me about it? I had reasonable explanations for all the “accusations” which could have easily been addressed and put to rest. But to me…to question the honesty and integrity of myself and those I love was incredibly hurtful and although I don’t believe there were hurtful intentions I started to question myself.
Then I had to stop. Because you know what…I’ve spent much of my life being a push over. I let others say things about me that weren’t true, I’ve taken the fall for things I didn’t do, and I let others treat me in ways I shouldn’t have because I’m a peacekeeper and hate confrontation. I would rather take the blame for things that weren’t my fault then to upset someone or cause conflict. But I do my best not to do this anymore. I have accepted my strengths and weaknesses for what they are. Basically I doubt my abilities a lot and easily fall short. But when I have someone there to push me and remind me of my strengths I do VASTLY better. And I have accepted my weaknesses and do my best to better them but unfortunately among those weaknesses is that I am way too easy to trust others and assume the best. I also manage to ALWAYS feel like people are just pretending to like me but secretly they are talking about me or want me out. And apparently that does happen. But I have to learn a new confidence. Because I know my heart.
i kicked this to the curb!
I know what I do and don’t accomplish. I know who I am. I know and stand by the things I say. I admit my faults and I am usually the first person to admit when I’ve done something wrong and have a huge issue with guilt. Growing up I pretty much never got grounded because as my parents said…I always punished myself first! I can’t lie…every time I try to begin bending the truth I actually start to feel physically ill (I get this same feeling when I think people are mad at me). It’s so bad that I can’t even really tell white lies! I’ve even lost good friends (or at least thought they were good friends) because I wouldn’t go along with lies or cheating. And to think anyone would doubt who I am makes me said but as I said…I can’t dwell on it because I know the truth. Those I love know me, who I am, and don’t doubt me. My good friends don’t doubt me and push confidence on me. And most importantly, God and Christ know above all other. They know my heart, my actions, and even my deepest darkness thoughts. So if others have an issue with me, oh well. I’d like to make everyone happy. I’d like to make friends with as many people as I can. But I stand by who I am, what I am, and what I do.
I can’t lie…when this first went down I got a bit teary eyed and my first instinct was to say “okay! you’re right! that’s make it all better!”. But that would be lying. Because it isn’t the truth. And as I was feeling sad I got a card from one of the guys on my TNT team who ran the marathon with me and it read…
“Katye,
Thank you for all of your support for our Team over the past several months and at the races. You are a true inspiration to others with everything that you go to give back to others. I hope that I too will be able to lead others by your example! Thank you!-Bob”
And then got a message from a good friend on facebook who has gone through a lot in the past few weeks which read “You are truly the best cheerleader out there! I have been so blessed to be by your side through all you’ve accomplished in the past year but what amazes me most about you is your instinct to down play your own achievements, talents, and accomplishments in order to help others reach their goals and to make them feel the best about themselves and their other accomplishments. Give yourself more credit. You’re a rock star. Thank you for always putting yourself second.”
And than lastly after a convo I had with another running buddy the other night, her facebook status read, “Some people just have that special way of making you feel so good about yourself. Thank you Katye for your kind works. Not only are you an amazing running coach, but an awesome personal cheerleader as well!”
So you know what…if people doubt me…that is fine. All I can do is tell the truth and if people don’t believe me…oh well. I don’t need to justify myself to others. Stand by who you are. Be true to yourself. Let you actions have meaning. And THANK YOU to all of you who are always there to support me. You truly rock and mean so much!
I promise a lighter hearted post tomorrow!
I just thought this was funny
